I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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