i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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