Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
