Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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