OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
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