Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
