Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
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