I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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