so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Girls should come with a carfax report
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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