I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
There will be bowls smoken and not a single fuck will be given.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
