my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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