theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
