I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Randomize
