my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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