I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
