i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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