Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
