Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
