I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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