ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
