Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
