I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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