Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
Yea. You cant just squeeze my balls. They are sensitive
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
