Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
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