I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
