the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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