I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Randomize
