Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
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