We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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