I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
then he tried to convert me to islam
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
Randomize