you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
