1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
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