Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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