it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
