Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
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