yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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