He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
My butt remains clenched, sir.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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