we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
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