K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Randomize
