i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
his blackberry tasks were 1. take names and 2. kick ass
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
