My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
