You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Randomize
