i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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