I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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