I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
and you said cock pushups were impossible
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
And they have kittens that decided that boobs are apparently the best arena for king of the hill...
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Randomize
