Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
