I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
