omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
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