ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
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