today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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