you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Someone came in the potted fern
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
