No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
