Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
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