yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
At least life still wants to fuck me.
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