new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Randomize