Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
