No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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