how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
