1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
