My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
