my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize