I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
