Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Randomize
