I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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