Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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