I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Buying a new pipe this morning, and setting up career plans this afternoon. It's called balance
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
